09 November 2007

Multinational fast food franchises and mental defectives

You may accused me of being really annoyed or completely pissed off, and you wouldn't be far off the mark. Today I made a really stupid decision. Sometimes I never learn. I didn't feel like cooking, so I convinced the other half that we should get a pizza for dinner. Every time we decide on pizza, we run into a familiar argument. I love the pizza joint a few doors down the road, but OH swears by the merits of a multinational franchise (whose local outlet looks nothing like a rustic shack).

Then we got into our Abbot and Costello routine of who goes in to order. I lost that argument, went in, ordered our dinner, and almost ran out screaming in madness. Why, you ask? You shall be told.

I have this bad feeling that this place is either staffed by mental defectives, or they get very flustered when invaded by aliens. Or foreigners. And in I went into that pool of frothing insanity.

Multinational Pizza Franchise Sales Thing: Konichiwa, How may I help you?
Me: "One large cheese pizza please"
MPFST: "What kind of crust would you like?"
Me:"Pan"
MPFST: "And would you like anything to go with that?"
Me: "No thank you, that will be all."

And MPFST starts to ring up the order. And then starts the fun.

MPFST: "I'm sorry we're all out of pan crust in size L."
Me: " Alright, then let me have 2 of size M"
MPFST: "Both pan crusts?"

For some reason, I have this ridiculous tendency to make the same goofs over and over again. Somewhere deep down I believe that each time I go to get a multinational rustic house pizza, the staff would not exasperate me with their limited IQ. And instead of asking for 2 identical pizzas, I get creative.

Me: "One pan and one thin crust please."
MPFST: "Would you like any toppings?"

Toppings? That was a new one. Never in a year and a half were we asked if we wanted extra toppings. And I asked MPFST to read out the list of toppings. As the thing read out the list, I selected a few toppings.

MPFST: "So that'll be one ham and pepper pizza, pan crust, and one one bacon and mushroom pizza with a thin crust"
Me: "What?? No no... I want pepper as an extra topping on one pizza, and mushroom on the other."
MPFST very helpfully showed me the menu. And pointed out that they had a ham and pepper pizza and another pizza had a bacon and mushroom topping.

Me: "Never mind, just give me your regular cheese pizza."
MPFST: "You want only cheese on your pizza and want us to remove all the toppings?"
Me: "God give me the will power to desist from throttling this thing... Cancel my order please"

Me: "Let's start again. Give me 2 medium cheese pizzas, as they are on the menu, one with a pan and one with a thin crust. Please?"
MPFST: "Your order will be ready in twenty minutes."

That was rather painful. And then we got down to the brass tacks of the monetary exchange. She told me I what to pay, I paid her and then the worst part of the evening came up.

MPFST: "Here's your change. 6,200 yen."

I looked at my change. There were the exact number of coins, but just a 5,000 yen note. I gently pointed that out to MPFST.

Me: "My change is 6,000 yen right?"
MPFST: "Yes"
Me: "Er... you need to give me 6,000 yen."
MPFST: "Yes"
Me: "Er... there's just 5,000 yen here"
MPFST: "Yes"
Me: "And you owe me 6,000 yen"
MPFST: "Yes"
Me: "Please, God, don't let me lose it completely. Please don't let me throttle this life form that's bowing and smiling at me... "
Me: "Let's start again. You owe me 6,000 yen, and there's only 5,000 yen there"
MPFST: "Yes"
Me "Excuse me please, there has to be 6,000 there, and there's only 5,000 there. Please see if the figure on your cash register is the same as the amount that you're giving back to me?"
MPFST: "Yes"

And thankfully for my sanity checked the bill, checked what she was handing to me, and finally..

MPFST: "There should be another 1,000 here, right??"

Hallelujah, Glory be, Ishwaro rakshatu... and more on the same vein.

I finally walk back to where the OH and kids are waiting.

OH: "Why did it take you so long? How difficult is it to order pizza? You should have been out of there ages ago! What on earth were you doing?"

I wonder how Lorena Bobbit would have responded to that...

5 comments:

Tys on Ice said...

i wud hate to wonder how this wud have turned out if u tried to get a home delivery :)

do they have sushi pizzas?

Joy said...

The very first time in US, I did not realise that capsicum is called Green pepper. You can only imagine the animated conversation between me and the Pizza guy when both of us can speak english fluently!

Preethy said...

Was this interaction in Eigo? Maybe you'd better off with your 2 word Japanese vocabulary. I know the feeling when theres dumbness at the other end! Been there.

Vidya said...

@tys: I don't bother with home delivery.. too much trouble. there's a rice pizza, that totally put me off :)

@joy: like u said, both speak english fluently.. joys of miscommunicaiton

@preethy: total conversation in Nihongo. the salesthing had an English vocabulary consisting of 'Pizza' and 'Cheese'

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