Movie review: Cowboys and Aliens

I pulled a disappearing act for a long time. And, like the terminator, "I'm back"

Last night, a wonderful friend asked the kids over for a sleepover. The other half and I decided to go out for dinner and a movie. The dinner was fabulous. The movie....

Ah, well... the movie... I thought it had Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig wearing something that looked like Ben10's whatchamacallit, and aliens, and some good old fashioned gunslinging, all this from the trailer I watched last week.

I thought Daniel Craig was starring, so at least there'd be some eye candy.

But what went wrong?

Let me start logically. There are innumerable questions that need answering.

Why did we choose this particular movie to watch?
Because this was the only movie that we hadn't watched, and was playing at a cinema that wasn't too far away.

But why?
Inexplicable lack of judgement. I blame the monkeys. But that's another long story.

What was the movie all about?
Aliens attack the old wild west. The triumph of old fashioned six shooters, shotguns, primitive arrows and spears over advanced technology and weapons.

Why were there aliens in the wild west? What could they probably want?
Oh, that's easy. Gold. They wanted gold.

Gold, what on earth for? Where were they planning to spend it?
Hmmm... Aliens.. I wonder. Do you remember watching "Men in Black?" I bet the aliens were planning a shopping spree at the duty free shops at MiB HQ.

Well, with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, surely there was some eye candy??
None at all. They're OLD!!!! Well, one IS old, the other LOOKS old!

But it's a Steven Spielberg production!
See, Mr. Spielberg saw the word Alien in the title. Then he saw the fairly high billing given to Mr. Ford. I assume that at this point, he put 2 and 2 together. The last time we had Ford and Aliens in a box office rocking equation we got Star Wars.

Sorry Mr. Spielberg, this time you didn't call it right.

My suggestion, give it a wide berth. If you really want to watch it, wait for it to hit the idiot box. Don't waste money on tickets.

The movie left me shaken. Not stirred. The only way one could possibly appreciate this stinker is after a three martini lunch. Make that a three martini lunch preceded by a three martini starter and followed by a three martini dessert.

I may also give the next Bond movie a miss.

Startling revelations

You never know everything about anyone. Sad but true.

Last week, in a random conversation with my cousin Pt, the significant other made some rather startling revelations. Something that I never knew.

SO, Pt and I were discussing movies. Pt mentioned that she was a fan of Hayao Miyazaki. "Miya-something, who?" went SO. I very gently prompted him, "The guy who created 'Totoro'." After an awkward pause, he went, "Totoro, who?"

Pt and I stared. "My Neighbour Totoro? Tonari no Totoro? The animation film?"

Blank looks again. "Spirited Away??"

"Never heard of it." says SO, looking at me like I'm from another planet.

In his defense, he never knew until a couple of years ago, that the Little mermaid was not a happy story, unlike the way Disney told the tale. I'm married to the only person in Japan who doesn't know Totoro. And I plan to rectify that soon.

And before you jump to conclusions, he can unfold a protein better than anyone else. So there.

Of facts and fiction

I love reading Perry Mason books. Earl Stanley Gardner's suave debonair lawyer is the cat's whiskers.

Half the time he has no case, keeps flummoxing the DA, untangles legal messes with the ease of a magician pulling rabbits out of a hat... I mean, it's all so unbelievably cool. Each time Perry Mason says, "Objection, your Honor. Objected to as incompetent, immaterial and irrelevant," I want to cheer.

Then there's movies.

"Milaad, Tazeerat-e-Hind dafa 302 ke tahat mulzim ko saza-e-maut diya jaaye."
For one thing that gives you an indication of just how many movies I might've watched.

You can almost picture (the usual suspects like) Sriram Lagoo, looking like a legal stalwart, standing there is those frumpy barrister robes and trying to look triumphant, smug and indignant at the same time.

That's somehow how I pictured court proceedings would run in real life. What do I know?

My best friend's wife is a lawyer, and on our last trip back home, A and I asked her whether people said all that in court. She gave us a look that almost said, 'Are you for real?' And proceeded to regale us with tales of what took place in the courts. In Bangalore at least.

Chaos reigns supreme. Prosecuting lawyer puts forth an argument. And (I quote exactly what she said, verbatim) "En saar... eneno helthare" (transliterates, Saar, what the heck is he saying?)

Whatever happened to "Objection, milaad!"

A stared. I stared too. Does nobody say Milaad anymore?? Doesn't the judge use his hammer to restore order in court? Has the motion picture industry lied to me all these years? I object.

Objection overruled.
Pardon me while I read some Perry Mason and restore some lost faith.

Pirates 3

I booked tickets well in advance, best seat in the house and all that jazz, first day first show, and since we happen to have babysitting, no need to drag the kids around, and with all enthusiasm off we went to watch 'Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End'.

Arun and I are big fans of the Pirates franchise. Or rather, we were. We loved the first, thought the second was alright. The latest was weird to say the least.

Somehow the sequels just don't live up to the high standards I expected after Pirates 1. This one was even quite gross in bits. The story was like soup poured on an inverted plate; kept running around all over the place. Too many characters, plot lines, plots, loose ends.... and an ending that was left wide open for a sequel. Any number of sequels. Well, let's just say if Walt Disney was really interested in building up a Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, they could have gone for a mini series or something.

I'm definitely not going to add spoilers here, but like someone says of Capt. Jack Sparrow: "Is he making this up as he goes along?"

The end of an affair

All that bandwidth and no movie downloads; what a waste!

Thus spake well (un)known philosopher-in-training, Hemant D Galagali.

That, unfortunately, is what the blokes in charge out here are implementing these days.

Just about everyone I know in this neck of the woods (read all desis I know..) seem to have got ardent love letters from their ISPs asking them with all passion and romance to please remain faithful, and not download any output from the motion picture industry. I rejoiced that I hadn't received any love-letters. Unless someone told me otherwise, I intended to watch as many of the latest motion pictures as possible.

Then, one day, out of the blue.... the phone rang.

It was the dreaded pyaar-ka-sandesa, delivered over the phone.

Moral of the story:
Moral, what moral??

Just keep your nose clean. Cease and desist from nefarious activities.
If you want to watch a movie, wait for it to hit the local theater. If it doesn't, then too bad.

Ah well, now my entertainment totally depends on what DVDs my desi grocer in Tokyo sends over with my monthly orders, and on the largesse of li'l sister.

Bond, James Bond

Since Ma is now here, and more than game for babysitting, A and I decided to go watch Casino Royale. Verdict, not bad at all! Initially I really didn't like the idea of Daniel Craig as Bond, especially after Munich. Now I really should take back any uncharitable thought that i might have had about Craig as 007.

Of all the Bonds to date, I think Craig comes closest to the high standards set by Sean Connery. After Sean Connery, he has to be the next best Bond to date. I really should add that I did think Pierce Brosnan was an awesome 007 too. Eye candy, oozing sophistication and er.. more eye candy. A, of course, thinks that this is a girl thing. he might be right, but who cares. He's CUTE! No one could call Craig's Bond cute. Cool, but not quite eye-candy. Beef-cake, yes; eye-candy, never!

The initial action scenes lacked the usual polish of a typical Bond chase. Way too gritty, and not quite polished. The Madagascar chase somehow reminded me of a classic Jackie Chan movie, with slightly too acrobatic stunts.

And then there was the absence of the traditional Bond theme music in the title sequence. But never mind, it did play during the end credits. So A and I sat through the final credits just for the Bond theme!

One crib I have about this movie is total absence of gadgets. Where, oh where, was the watch that doubles as a detonator that could also be used to pinpoint someones location by GPS and of course, in an emergency, tell you the time too?? Where was John Cleese?? Somehow Bond wasn't quite the same without his faithful-sidekick-fancy-gadgets!

And not enough of the trademark one-liners. (You expect me to talk? No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die)

But yes, if they can't get Brosnan back, Daniel Craig is an awesome Bond, James Bond.

Movies, Movies, Movies

So just what have I been up to lately?? Watching movies!

Since we discovered the wonderful world of torrents (thanks, Nikhil), I've been downloading movies, old and new, by the dozen! After all, that's our second best entertainment option (#1 of course, is li'l sis, who got us hooked totally to 24).

Lets see, in the last fortnight we watched Cars, Khosla ka Ghosla, Pyar ke Side Effects to name a few.

Cars was, in one word, BRILLAINT! Loved the concept, loved the execution! It was worth waiting all those months till I could get a decent print!

Bollywood movies are definitely starting to break out of the stale old mold. We watched Khosla ka Ghosla earlier today. After I downloaded the movie, A read some reviews, none of which were even charitable. So we didn't get around to watching it for absolutely weeks... till today! And we really liked it. The characters are funny. The plotline: could happen to anyone.. very very real, and realistic! No unnecessary song and dance for no good reason. Anupam Kher, Kiran Juneja lead an exceptionally subtle and sublime cast. It's definitely worth watching. Do give it a try. Really entertaining!

Pyar ke Side Effects was another refreshing change from the usual ho-hum Bollywood plots. Rahul Bose and Mallika Sherawat (who really can act) are quite funny. I loved the bit where Mallika Sherawat tries to initiate a serious conversation about relationships... right in the middle of a cricket match (deja vu)! Again, a good timepass movie.

We still have Don and Dor on our to watch list. And we're saving those for snowy weekends when we're likely to be totally housebound! So more reviews will happen later.